| Noose... |
(Long ass diary entry in three, two, �)
Shit. So much shit in my life. So much shit has passed. So much going on. Infinitely more left to come�
Shit like�
Love. Love, by definition, is without definition. It is just one of those inexplicable things that you know when you feel it. I don�t think I could describe this feeling if I even tried. I would inevitably find some way to mess it up; to flaw it in some way. After all, I am only human. Love is like friendship that touches a deeper part of one�s heart and one�s being altogether. It is a feeling that never fades, never dies, and never goes away. It is also pain, because it is not always accepted or returned. Love is torture to my heart, the friendship I tried to take to far. I never meant to hurt her. I never want to. I just want to look into her eyes, to get lost in her watery stare. I want to look deep into her soul and know that deep down, she loves me too. I want to hold her close to me, her warm, milky-soft skin touching my fingertips as they slide up and down her arms and back. I want her to feel me caress her as I cherish her. I want her to know just what I feel. I want her to know how happy she makes me, and how much she can hurt me. I never want to be this vulnerable, so easily destroyed by something without such a manifested form, mentally or physically. I never want to be so let down, or so disgusted in myself. What I have for her is a different type of friendship. It is the type that one would die for; the type that I would become a martyr for in order that my friend would never have to feel pain. I never want her to have to endure more than she already has. I don�t want her to cry anymore. I don�t want her to hurt. I don�t want her to have to be strong to survive. I want her to be happy. I want her to know to love. I don�t want her to fall deeply and madly in love with me. I don�t want her obsession; I don�t want her to love me and only me. These are not things I desire. I am not greedy, nor am I obsessive or jealous. I am just myself. I only desire that which she is willing to give me. I don�t require her to love me back. I could live with her love; I survive without it.
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This was an entry I was working on a while ago. I never finished it. Now I know why. I don�t want to feel that way anymore. I don�t want to care about a person like that any more. I don�t want to care at all. But I like to. I like to care, but not that way. You know what I say to myself? You want to know? Of course you don�t, but I'm going to tell you anyway because this is my goddamn diary and I�ll write whatever the fuck I want to in here! Hahahahahaha!!! I say: �Chris, you are STOOOPID!!! Why are you so dumb? You shouldn�t live life trying to prove to others that you can stop being depressed about everything all the time. Instead you should just STOP being depressed all the time and maybe the people that really care about you will notice.�
Well, I don�t think anyone noticed so far. But you know what? I'm fucking happy. And I love it. I love the feeling that nothing can hurt me because I won�t let it. I love being invincible. I don�t need the wall anymore. And the duct tape is gone now. My heart no longer needs it. You want to get inside me? You want to go for a ride? You want to see what life is? You want to do something no one has ever completely done? Well good for you sweet cheeks, because I am right here to help you out. I finally want someone to get inside me. I want someone to care enough about me not to care. I want everyone to stop worrying about me and to start loving me. I don�t want pity; I want happiness. You really want to make me happy? Here�s how: Smile and fucking mean it. None of those fake �I am pretending to be happy so I can see you really smile� bullshit smiles. Those plastic faces are just SO fucking annoying.
Basically kids, my point is don�t do drugs. Wait. That wasn�t it. Oh fuck�what was it? Shit�
Oh wait! Yeah! I remember. Grin and fucking bear it! No matter what happens to you in life, may it be your parents are killed or you just found out your wife has been sleeping with your brother, and your other brother, and your dad, and your best friend from childhood years, and his dog. Or maybe your boss just fired you for thinking you are too gay, and you cant sue him for discrimination against you because you aren�t really gay. Or maybe you just got a phone call telling you your pet was just brutally murdered and strung up on public display in the town square by a serial pet killer. Or maybe something sort of bad like these things, or maybe something totally different. Whatever happens, there is ALWAYS something to be happy about in life. And if you can�t seem to find something to be happy about, FUCKING GET OFF YOUR LAZY, DEPRESSED ASS AND FUCKING MAKE SOMETHING HAPPY HAPPEN GODDAMNIT!!! It really isn�t all that hard. Just do something you like and keep doing it until you are fucking happier about life. Start there, and find all the happy things until you can honestly tell yourself that you ARE happy. Like I said, GRIN AND FUCKING BEAR IT!!! I love you all. Always.
When Everything Was Ugly... - And Ugly It Remains...