| Noose... |
I need to vent.
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Stand back.
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My steam is superheated.
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Leave now, you don't want to hear any of this because I know you don't really care...
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Tell me that you do, honestly, and I will still doubt you...
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Here goes...
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First off, in case you haven't figured it out yet, I am currently dating Rocio. I know many people don't like her, and I also know many more do. I am pretty sure that there are others that hold mixed feelings about her, and me, and the whole thing altogether. Ana isn't comfortable with it, and that makes me sad. I wish she wouldn't make me feel that way. I have gotten to be close friends with Tato, her older brother, and we are even trying to get a place together.
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Things are alright, except that I don't get to see her much, and I am also not too partial to the secrets being kept from her parents.
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Guess I don't have much to worry about there anymore though. Her mom knows she has a boyfriend, and worse still, she knows it is me. At first she had a general idea, but Tato did me the favor of removing all doubt by telling her that I was dating her little girl, but covered for me when he told her that I am an alright guy and that I am one of his best friends, even in the short time I've known him.
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Cool, cool.
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I don't like secrets. They only hurt people I care about. I don't like to hurt people.
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Last night was wonderful. I sat outside Krystal's dorm while she and Tato were talking. Rocio painted my nails for me, then I helped her with her Calculus homework. I forgot how good I am at math. Then we started talking about her mom knowing about us.
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She reminded me that she once told me she wasn't worth my time.
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I thought about some things in my head for awhile, and a strange chain of thoughts passed through my mental railroad.
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I met Rocio in driver's ed. I like her then. I wasn't in love or anything, I just thought she was a really cool person and thought it would be cool if I could hang out with her more.
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I guess I eventually started liking her quite a bit; she grew on me. Ha. I used to talk to her on the phone all the time, sometimes for hours. I liked talking to her, but every time I would get off the phone with her I felt a little part of me crush more and more. You see, there was the whole "she already has a boyfriend" thing. Matt. I looked up to that boy in a way I didn't even understand at the time. I didn't know him all too well, and I still don't. I just knew his story and knew that he had been through shit. I respect that he was capable of keeping himself together.
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I remember talking to Ben about it one night on his doorstep. I told him that I really liked Rocio, but I knew she was with somebody that I thought highly of. It would be really fucked up if I tried anything, so I just let it lie. I told Ben that even if she and Matt ever stopped dating, I still wouldn't do anything. I stopped calling her. She stopped calling me. We only talked at school, and never really had anything to say. I felt like shit.
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I guess, subconsciously, even I have a desire to make myself happy. I looked for happiness in other places. It took me awhile to find something. If it weren't for some sleeping Germans and Ryan Finney, I don't know if I ever would have.
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The girl I met that night changed me. She made me strong by tearing me apart. She let me know what love was by showing what it wasn't. She showed me how to feel by showing me what it was like when I didn't. She was my Magdalena.
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I realized I couldn't find happiness in the way I needed it by getting it all the ways I didn't.
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I moved along.
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Anna was an interesting character in my life. She and I shared something that neither of us will ever be able to share with anyone else. And I am glad for that. I am glad it was her. People would kill me if I said why, but how bad could death really be? At the time I thought I genuinely liked the girl. She was cute, and hot, and funny, and everything else. But without realizing it until after I dated her, I knew she was vulnerable to me. I liked it. I loved it, even. I liked the idea that I could take advantage of someone and get away with it. I liked the power I felt. I would say I am sorry, but I really am not. I guess, in a way, I am sorry toward her for fucking with her. I didn't mean to at the time. I realized what I did afterward, and instead of making me feel bad, I just sort of nodded and took another sip of my iced tea. She taught me something, and I can't be sorry for finding it out about myself. She was the stepping stone in my life that tought me that, unbridled, my urge to completely dominate someone can turn me into a walking pile of shit.
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I didn't like it, so I broke up with her. No tears shed, no bad feeling toward anyone. Not even her.
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Drama ensued. I waited it out. Now all those people that changed me are gone. It was like they just saw me sitting on the street one day, a shapeless mound of clay, and one by one, made their little corrections and sculpted me out of it. They made me different. They all changed me. There were others not mentioned above that helped out too i.e. Summer. Thanks for taking the time to stop and sculpt the roses, kids.
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I didn't find out that Matt and Rocio broke up until about a week post facto. My heart didn't skip a beat. My toes didn't curl, nor did I feel light headed. I just nodded and took another sip of my iced tea.
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I didn't run over and ask her out the next day. In fact, I never asked her out. I never even ran over to her. She came to me. I was alone; my girls had all left me, and I was alone. I sat in the shaded corner against the school wall, and she came over to me. Every day. I thought about it, and, without me even thinking anything of it, she came over to me to at least say hello, every day. Even when my girls were still with me. Even when I wasn't alone. And I didn't even notice until I had nothing else to notice. Like I said, I never asked her out. It was just sort of assumed that we were dating, and we didn't mind the idea, so we just sort of went with it. And guess what. I smiled.
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The first time I ever kissed her was the day I had a gun pulled to my head. One of the few thoughts that ran through my head when that happened was that I never told her what she meant to me. No bullshit; it actually crossed my mind. And that was it. That is what kept me from getting scared; I knew I had to tell her before I would settle for death because I showed some bastard with a gun bigger than his cock that I was scared of him. She saved me and she didn't even know it.
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We talked about it awhile back and concluded that we started "going out" at the beginning of February. That is almost eight months. Kind of odd to think about, I guess.
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She means everything to me. I wish she knew that. I won't let anything take her away from me, unless that is what she wants. I hope she never does. She's my girl, and that's alright. If she stings me, I don't mind.
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She said she wasn't worth my time. I told her she was. I told her I wouldn't give up, and I told her I wouldn't let go.
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I am not really sure if I know what love is by definition, but I know what it feels like. Love is comfortable, and happy, and good. And most of all, love is mutual. I love Rocio. And I love you all too. She makes me carry around a smile that I can't wipe off. And I am glad. I am glad that I can finally show people what I would like to be on the inside: happy.
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Thanks.
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I'm going to go get some more iced tea...