| Noose... |
Dear Diary,
.
It has been awhile...
.
I missed you...
.
Don't hate me because I don't come around much...
.
I have feelings too, you know?
.
I am growing up and growing apart.
.
I don't want to be a slow-gun.
.
I don't want to be anybody's slogan.
.
But I still want to have my trigger pulled.
.
I should be sleeping now. That never seems to happen much anyway.
.
I need Carmex. My lips, they are so tender...
.
I can't handle this sun much longer...
.
I keep dreaming of someone...
.
I need you to paint me beautiful in my own mind. I am becoming a dead beat. I drop and fall and keep tripping up, but somehow...
.
Somehow I will make it through...
.
Somehow, I will make it.
.
I am always so dirty.
.
No one listens anymore. No one wants to hear the same story twice.
.
No one wants to hear my story once.
.
No one really listened anyway.
.
I am dreaming again. It is almost pornographic how explicit it is in my head. I make NC-17 look like a fucking Disney movie. I wish I could remember all I dreamt about last night.
.
He kept telling me what I should be when I grow up. No, he didn't tell me. Other people told me. People that had really told me before. I would do something funny and people would tell me to be a comedian. I would do something smart and people would tell me to be a doctor or a scientist. Some would say artist and some would say writer. They would tell me what they thought I would do best in and tell me that is what I should be. Each and every one of them. Then it would stop. All black, then the man in the red velvet top hat would ask me "Remember?" And I would. It would take me a second. I would remember though. Lost thoughts are surfacing. I can't focus anymore. I am too distracted by myself. People always told me what I should be when I grew up. Now I am a grown up. Now I need to know, not just be told. I need to know for myself. That man in the red velvet top hat, he knew. I hope to God he knew. I remembered everything. Everything he wanted me to remember I found. I dug deep and pulled it through this filter I didn't even know I made up so long ago. I found the dirt. I swam in my own filth. I am that sludge and grunge and muk inside my head. I know the monster behind my eyes.
...
And that was it. There was a monster. A slime-ridden, diseased, dripping monster in my head. That was what woke me up. The man in the red velvet top hat...
.
He asked me if I remembered something...
.
What was it?
.
Fuck... I can't remember...
.
I am trying... Trying so hard to remember this time...
.
I REMEMBER!!! I remember what he asked. I was sitting in front of a mirror a few years ago when I lived in the apartment beside Syringa. My dad wasn't home. He was never home. I was looking into my own eyes trying to see all I could in myself. I wanted to know if I could look into myself like I can into everyone else. I remember I told myself inside my head that I had to be only who I was inside. That was what he asked me. I dreamt that I was in that exact situation all over again. I had that same exact thought again. I knew who I had to be again. And then black...
.
"Remember?"
...
I didn't remember. I did remember in all reality, but in my head...
.
In my head the monster came. That monster took over everything. He ate the man in the red velvet top hat. He swallowed him whole. I didn't want it. I was scared. He chased me. He caught me. He swallowed me whole. I screamed. And I woke up...
.
I don't know what it all means. I don't know anything anymore. I questioned myself today. I couldn't pay attention today at work, I was so distracted by my dream. I almost lost a thumb to a radial arm saw, I was so distracted.
.
I need help this time...