| Noose... |
You thought you gave them what they need
What they asked you to
What they begged you to
You thought you had them on their knees
Had them crawl to you
Had them want you too
.
Tried to lick the dirt
From the scabs of a beggar
Tried to find the truth
In the blood
Bled to better
.
There's a little bit of something
No one knows you hide
You fear your desecration
Won't let them inside
.
Maybe it's an opening
They know that you will lie
Maybe it's the ending
They know you'll try to hide
Maybe you're the scapegoat
Collector of the sins
Maybe I'm the ruiner
Ruined all that's been
.
.
.
I leave for home today. I don't know how much longer I will survive in college...
.
I did some bad things this time around. I really fucked it all up. I opened up to someone that I really wish I could have opened up to more. I wish I were in a situation where everything could be as I would have it, but I really set my path this time through. Bad choices, worse consequences. I really need to find something to hold on to. I keep everything at arm's length; I don't want to bring anything closer than my fingertips. The idea that everything could somehow slip through at any moment brings me some strange comfort...
.
I don't want my little girl to know me. I don't want to know her. I think I love her. I don't know that she will know that. I don't know anymore. I really need to find a center. I need my world to stop spinning. I want the world to stop spinning just long enough for me to figure my shit out. Something is in my head that I need to work on. I need to find the problem. I need help...
.
I don't think I love anymore. I am a machine. I eat. I sleep. I drink, I fuck, I move, I function. But that is all. Out of everything I do, the one thing I stopped doing is thinking. I don't ever stop to think anymore. I just act purely out of instinct. And I hate it. I don't care what they think of me anymore. I am in this for me. I want to work on me for awhile. I am tired of being Daddy. I am tired of taking care of everyone else's shit. I don't want to hear it. You think you are the only one with problems? You aren't and you know it. I have my own shit. And this shit is big shit. I need to find out where the fuck I want my life to take me. I want to be able to forge my own way out. I think, though, that the way out is through. I don't want life to be this way for me anymore.
.
Sometimes I wonder why I am even keeping myself alive...
.
I need to sober up. Or maybe I need to stay this way a little longer. I really think this is helping me clear my head...
.
Addiction...
.
Fuck...
.
Dear Diary,
.
I don't want to have to think anymore...
.
Leave me...
.
Alone...
...
..
.