| Noose... |
Dancing...
It is so beautiful when it is done with skill and finesse. I went to a club last night. It is interesting to see all the little clubbers doing their thing, the girls, with their tiny skirts rubbing their posteriors against the pubic regions of the little boys that think they are the shit because they are raping the little girls with their clothes on. It is so funny, yet so disgusting.
But they consider it dancing, so whatever pleases them will do. As long as everyone is happy.
I, being the wallflower that I accept I am, mostly stood against a solid black pillar, staring into the crowd, analyzing and watching all the little people shaking their thing and moving to the grooving. It is so beautiful though, that a man such as I am so attracted to simple, unnoticed beauties of life. There was a crowd of people, all moving in time, bouncing and shaking to the beat of the bass, and in the fury and the chaos of this mass and multitude, was a girl. No, not a girl. The only one there that wasn't a girl. She is in the middle of it all, and the look on her face changes to so many emotions. Sometimes she doesn't have a care in the world, so long as she can dance to the beat of her own drum. Other times, she tries as hard as she can to be that perfect, without knowing that she already is...
... Yeah...
... I tried to dance with her... tried to be with her... but I just don't know how to please her...
I'm not good enough for her. I'm not good enough, but someday, maybe, in the far distant future...
I am such an optimistic dreamer...
I got a phone call last night. "Hope for the best, expect the worst..." I live by this. I should have expected far worse than I did. Then, maybe, I would have been prepared for what I went through last night. I was with two of my best friends, the ones that always make me feel so good just by being around me, and still, I felt all alone. Emptiness... pain... jealousy is evil in disguise... I just wanted to die... I just want to run away, and come back when I know that I can live with this... Just leave me alone, if all you want to do is hurt me...
I didn't want it to be like this. I didn't want her to feel this way. I am sorry that you hate so many things. I am sorry that your heart is so clouded with these feelings. I am sorry, but I can't help but feel the way I do. Hate me, not them. Hate me and no one else. I don't want anyone else to have to suffer. I will take all the pain. I will play the martyr. I will be the scapegoat. I am the purest angel, with the darkest wings. Let the pain of the world fall down upon me, so that no one should have to feel pain, or misery, or suffering. Crucify me, for I am willing to give it all, so that you may all have everything. Dear Christ, I am your son. There was a reason I am named as I am. Christopher. "Son of Christ." That is my definition. Thank you Gabriel for getting me this far. I don't care how much you may despise me; I will always love you. The cross is stood, the nails are in. All you have left is to watch me bleed. But, lo! Notice that I will bear a smile, for I know that all the troubles of the world shall die with me. It is up to you. How soon do you want to end your pains? How soon do you want me gone...?
How much do I love you? Let me show you...
When Everything Was Ugly... - And Ugly It Remains...