| Noose... |
Tilling my own grave to keep me level
Jam another dragon down the hole
Digging to the rhythm and the echo of a solitary siren
one that pushes me along, and leaves me so
Desperate and ravenous
So weak and powerless
Over you
.
Someone feed the monkey
while I dig in search of China
White as dracula
As I approach the bottom
Desperate and ravenous
So weak and powerless
Over you
.
Little angel go away
Come again some other day
The devil has my ear today
I'll never hear a word you say
He promised I would find a little
Solace and some peace of mind
Whatever, just as long as I don't feel so
Desperate and ravenous
So weak and powerless
.
Desperate and ravenous
So weak and powerless
Over you
.
-A Perfect Circle
.
Not to bring my own halo down...
.
There is no such thing as a perfect circle.
.
I wish I never would have had to speak
My open eyes could tell the words you need
I wanted you to hear the silent screams beneath this mirrored shield I carry
But nothing ever goes just how I dream
.
Try to find the needle where I know it should be buried
Under everything so no one could have known
The cuts and scars define me in their secret little torture
Wait until the sunlight burns them from my skin to leave me standing empty and alone
.
Listen as the rhythm of the rabble tears my soul
Understanding nothing but too stupid and obnoxious to let go
Running loose and wild but still trapped inside this boundary I call home
End of time and darkness float upon my whispered words that are unknown
.
Listen to my whispered words unknown...
.
-Me
.
.
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Miss List:
Rocio
Jessica Marie
Devon Marie
Childhood Carelessness
Bedtime Stories
Goodnight Kisses
A Place To Go To When I Couldn't Sleep
Old Friends
Old Relatives
The Way I Used To Be
That Girl I Loved, Then Lost, Then Got Back, Then Left Behind, Then Lost Again, But Never Stopped Loving
The Life I Used To Have
The Mother I Never Had
The Family I Always Wanted
Seeing Mommy And Daddy Kiss, And Hold Hands While Doing It
Sleeping On Daddy's Belly
Pine Trees And The Smell Of Fresh Rain
Home
Hugs
The Mountains
That Little Boy I Never Knew I was Until I Wasn't Anymore
That Little Boy I Wasn't Allowed To Be
Chores
Yes, I Miss My Chores
Love
Being Loved
And Loving
I Miss Passion
Anger
Adrenaline
Happiness
Emptiness
Smiling For A Reason
Crying...
Tasting Salty Tears Running Onto My Quivering Lips...
...
Oh fuck it...
I don't want to do this anymore...
.
I don't want to play your silly mind games...
.
I have less important things to worry about than my own sanity.
.
I don't want to make you listen to me whine and cry and ramble on endlessly about all the tiny little things inside me that sting like tiny needles until you let them all out at once and make them all form together to feel like one giant fucking broadsword stabbing into my fragile bleeding heart and being twisted and twisted and pushed and pulled and rolled and pulled out slowly, only to be pushed back in and rolled around some more.
.
I don't want you to hear me cry.
.
And then again, I do...
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I need a shoulder to cry on. I want my mommy. I want my daddy. And I want my big sissy and my little sister and I want my fucking family and I want a full fucking dinner table every night at seven thirty and I want to be able to sleep at night and I want to be able to cry whenever the fuck I want without worrying about how it makes me look or how weak it makes me feel and I want to feel that calm empty silence that follows a good crying session and I want I want I want I FUCKING WANT EVERYTHING and I can't have anything and still I want and crave and hope and wish...
.
Enough.
.
That is enough. You shouldn't have to hear me break myself.
.
That will do. That will do for now.
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I wish I could die.
.
Quietly.
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I wish I could fly. And I wish I were invisible. I wish my lips were stitched shut so no one ever had to hear my sob story. I shouldn't be allowed to speak. Negativity kills. And then again, it gives life. It gave me life. A happy life? Not really. But a life worth living, most definitely.
.
How many times do I have to confess my love for you before I can let it go? How many times do I have to make you believe before I stop believing it myself? And how many times do I have to lie to you before you figure out the truth that I wanted you to figure out in the first place, but that I was too much of a cowardly bastard to just come out and tell you directly?
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I wish I could just scream it all away.
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He is leaving me forever, leaving me with nothing but his cloak and blade...
.
Turtle? Fuck yeah, I am a turtle. But only in that when the tiniest threat gets close I back my ass up right quick into my shell and don't come out until I feel that everything has settled down and the dust has cleared.
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Yeah, I am a fucking turtle.
.
Sue me.
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Talked to Seth lately? Good. Ask HIM why I can't see like I used to.
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I miss the voices that I used to hear. I miss the faces I used to see.
I miss the shiver in my spine that I got when They were with me.
.
I am a terrible, terrible person.
.
Take your two most valued friends. Now choose one. That one has to die. Could you do it? I could. I know damn well I could. For instance, my spirit brothers. Jed and Chase. Choose one. Easy. Chase. Jed isn't ready to accept death, and Chase would embrace it.
.
Another round you say? Fine. Give me two people. I'll give you an answer.
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This, however, brings me to my next point.
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Don't give me a question if you can't handle the answer.
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And don't expect an answer from me if you don't even know what question it is that you are trying to ask.
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Life is full of answers. You just have to figure out what questions they belong to.
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(Hey, somebody write that down. Yeah, thanks...)
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Ever feel like you are running through life towards an ambiguous goal? Here's an idea: Trip. Trip, and while you are trying to get back up, look ahead on that path so you can see where it is that you are running to.
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Don't write that one down; it's too long.
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Oh! Another one: Never listen to my advice unless you have nothing to lose.
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Wouldn't want you to hurt someone's feelings, now would I?
.
Ever feel like there is something great and powerful lurking deep inside you that you know will one day find it's way out and lead you to greatness? I do.
.
And then I remember that there is nothing great inside me. Just the same blood and guts like everyone else. Nothing more than that physical mush that everyone else carries around inside of theirselves.
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But...
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Well...
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Well, what if...
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What if?...
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What if God gave me wings?
What if Satan gave me thought?
What if Angels gave me gifts and demons gave me power. What if people gave me wisdom and souls gave me reason?
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What if I could be great?
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I should be dead.
.
The only reason I am not is because I am young, and only the good die young.
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Youth is immortality.
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My soul has white feathered wings and claws and fangs to tear and bite. I have horns and a halo. I am yin and yang. Black and white. But not grey. Never grey.
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I know I am American, but I will spell grey the European way. It seems more proper, and more comfortable. But I still spell women with an E.
.
Hey.
.
Hey you.
.
Yeah you. Punch Joey for me.
.
Hehe.
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The sun really does hurt my eyes that badly. And it really does make my skin burn that quickly. But that doesn't stop me from wanting to watch it set in the evening.
.
Sunsets are beautiful.
.
People can be too.
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And you know you are beautiful if I say you are beautiful. And just because you haven't heard the words from me doesn't mean I haven't ever said them.
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I wish my eyes could tell you everything...
.
I wish I was a window you could see right through.
.
I wish I was glass of water you could reach into and pull out whatever it is that you need from me.
.
I wish I made sense to everyone else.
.
And I know I am not alone in being the way I am. There has to be others. Even if there is only one. No one can ever be completely alone.
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Life is too fair to be alone.
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Life is fair, right?
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For those who believed in me and thought I would make it, I'll have you know that now, I am Weak and Powerless...
.
And I am in love...
When Everything Was Ugly... - And Ugly It Remains...