Such a fool to think that I could wake you from your slumber...
1:28 a.m. - 2005-07-01
I haven't been here in a week. Well, that is what the site told me, but it is way off. I can't remember the last time I wrote an entry that I didn't have to censor or alter or confuse.
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I'm back, but I can't stay long. I'm a busy boy right now.
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I want to know everything. I want to be everywhere. I want to fuck everyone in the world. I want to do something that matters...
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I have been so worried lately about the marks I leave behind. I think sometimes that all I leave are scars. I think I can be O.K. with that...
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I am out of high school. I can't wait to leave Idaho. I really can't wait to never see some people again. Others I will miss terribly, but I heal quickly.
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I love my girl. I wish I could let the whole world know. I will never do anything to hurt her. At least, not until she asks me to. It is kind of odd to think about, but she really is my best friend. I will never leave her. I will never lust for another or cheat or lie or steal or anything. I will be good for her. She deserves it. She needs to see there is light in my dark world. She needs to see it because she lives there too.
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She is green. Jealous green. I need to find out where she got the yellow, but I knew the blue was already there.
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I have this creative constipation. It is starting to piss me off. I need to vent somehow, and for some reason the only way I can do so at all is through my guitar lately. I hope I don't end up like Ben. Ben, I fucking hate you. I hope you know how much I love you because you let me hate you. I need an enemy. Thanks for always being there to let me hate you to your face. But I need to leave you now. I think it is time for us to start seeing other people. It will do us both some good.
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I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts. Again. But it is different this time. They are both at me. And I don't need either of them. Not this time. I don't know why I didn't think this way the first time. I guess it shows I have grown up a bit. I have my goodness. I love it. I don't have an empty space to fill anymore.
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Rocio, I know you will never read this, but you are my center. You make me whole. You fill me up from the inside out. I love you more than anything.
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And I would have loved her too. I don't need to see her to know she would have been the greatest thing to me.
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But it isn't her time right now. Not yet.
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Seattle. City of Tears. I can't wait. I like the rain. It drowns the fear and the lonliness.
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And I am taking her with me.
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I prayed awhile ago. I have been so flustered lately, so caught up in all this bullshit most people consider part of life. It was different though. I abandoned God a long time ago. I don't know who I was praying to. Maybe I was praying to myself, just to hear it. Like talking to calm myself with my own voice. I don't know, but I do know that I felt that whoever heard me listened. Things are picking up. Finally, things are getting better.
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I can smile again.
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I would laugh if the man that wrote my epitaph spelled my name wrong.
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Russ made it into Political Philosophy. I am proud. Boy, is he in for a reality check. Hauge is going to fuck him up
REAL good.
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I said that in the grey, no one can hear you scream. I lied. That is like saying no one can see in the dark. The blind can. I can. Pitch black, and I will tell you how many fingers you are flipping me off with. The people that lose their senses always find some way to compensate if they have to survive in such surroundings. I can hear you scream, but barely. I more feel it than hear. I can feel you screaming...
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I started to work out every morning about two months ago. I just keep getting fatter. What the fuck?
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Kids need to learn to behave.
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Sometimes I wish I could just stick my head out and kiss her through the air. I wish I could close my eyes and sink into her. I want to be underwater. I want to be submerged in her. I want to be surrounded...
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I like closed spaces.
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I would sleep in a coffin if no one ever knew about it.
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Sure beats sleeping on my keyboard.
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Just remember, I was the one who defiled you first.
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I can be a god to you. And I still wouldn't feel that to be enough. I am not the type of person your mother warned you about. I am worse.
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I need sleep, but I don't think it is coming anytime soon. Oh well, I am used to it at this point.
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I guess it is worth a try though.
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Consider this Round One...
When Everything Was Ugly... - And Ugly It Remains...