| Noose... |
I am slipping away. I can�t quite grip it, can�t quite dig my heels in deep enough�
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Right now you can call me liar. Someday you can call me murderer�
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I need to let this go for now. I need to do something about my head.
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I don�t know what I need really, but I do know that I need something. Something key is missing here�
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I wish she cared that much�
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I don�t usually read my diary. I already know what it contains. Upon reflection, however, I wish that more people would read this. I know that may sound conceited. Sue me. Seriously though, I read some of my past entries and it is like I am reading something written by someone completely apart from myself. And then I remember some of them were someone else. Some other consciousness, some other being, another entity�
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I am dreading the holiday season. I don�t want to go home. I never wanted to be there when I was. Why the fuck would I want to go back?
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Because she wants me to�
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I would ask you to tell me you love me, but if you already do then I already know it. And if I don�t know it then I won�t believe you anyway. And if you don�t love me then you would only be lying. Everybody knows liars go to Hell.
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See you there�
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Sometimes I am invincible. Other times I am my only weakness. I am never afraid of anything, but I still can�t go out in public without a shirt. I am not afraid of embarrassment, but I never really feel comfortable when I am not fully clothed.
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I don�t miss my family.
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Except when the sights are off�
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The music is evolving. I like it�
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Something is coming.
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I don�t have time to wait for it.
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I wish I wrote more often. I always rediscover the calming effect it has on me.
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Then again, maybe I don�t want to remember. Maybe I like this energy.
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I had a dream last night. Another one, this time with lots of blood and a lot of darkness. Crawling through ventilation shafts and sneaking into boy�s bathrooms only to see naked little boys being sodomized by two big hair men in leather chaps and a dirty whore with long red nails. I felt it when he hit me. I felt it when I fell. I coughed up blood this morning. Who else can say their morning breath smells like blood?
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Who else tastes like it?
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But you wouldn�t have any idea what I taste like.
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I am such a mystery to so many people. It seems, however, that I am to remain that way because this mystery isn�t enticing enough and there is never a solution.
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I am just a boring puzzle with infinite complications and never any ending�
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And I like it that way. For now�
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I am losing weight. I don�t like who I am. I work out a lot now. Morning and night.
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I am so vain, and no one ever wrote a song about me.
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Fuck you.
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Dear diary,
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Today, I didn�t see the sun. Not once. I like it�