| Noose... |
Push. I keep pushing.
Best, when undressed.
Skin. Taste the sin.
The sin I'm in...
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Go ahead. Smash this shit all apart. I don't need this now. I don't fucking need this right now.
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"I told you so" doesn't say it loud enough.
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I don't need it and I never needed it so why the fuck would anyone think that of all times, I would need it now?
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Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck FUCK.
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If I could be inside you right now, oh, you wouldn't be smiling your childish grin then...
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I have discovered something today. I need a woman. I need someone to be grown up for me. I think I am done needing girls. I have grown up. Yeah, that's right. All by myself. On second thought, maybe I don't need someone to be grown up for me. I need you to be grown up with me. There is no fun here. There are no dreams and there is no pleasure. Everything has just become a function. Everything. Just a thing to do that needs to be done. Everything is basic, raw, plain...
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And it hurts...
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Nothing changes anymore. I can say all I like, I always get the same effect. No one seems to hear. It is like a dream, the ones where I am screaming at you just so you can hear me, but no sound comes out. I have those dreams a lot now. A lot.
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I need out of here. I need to escape from myself. My soul has run away. I would too if I had a chance. Funny, this was supposed to be good for me. I guess there is no running away when you are your own problem...
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I feel no confrontation anymore. I am like metal. Nothing gets through to me. The only thing that matters now is what is on the inside. What is inside? I really want to know. I need to know, but maybe I don't really want to find out. This is to say that if I knew what was really inside, would I still want to know? I realize I already would, but would I regret it? Do I ever regret anything?
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I have a secret. I do. I do regret. I regret most of everything. Regret is a powerful enemy. Regret can tear you apart...
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Can you not see? Can you not see me crying all over you? Can you not see me when you look at me? Can you not see behind my eyes? How much do I have to show you to make you know? I can't open too wide. I am not the fucking River Jordan. I am not your Red Sea. And you are far from Moses. If any parting were to be had, I think it would be you doing it. Why would anyone hold onto me? Why would anyone want this? I don't even want this. You must be crazy to want this. You need help.
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I need help.
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I really do.
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I just want someone to come and save me. I don't want to be inside myself anymore. I run deep and I really think I am going to drown someday. I can hold my breath for a long time, but I don't think I can hold it as long as I would need to. My lungs are going to collapse; the air up here...
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It hurts...
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It doesn't matter anymore. No one matters. Nothing matters. Only, only me. I matter, however minorly. I have to matter. If I don't matter, my existence is void. I have to need purpose. I need to have purpose. A cycle I am destined to continue. Well, game over. No more 1UP's. Nice try, come again. Bring quarters. The machine is broken...
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Who do you trust? Who would you have help you bury a body? Who do you tell when you sin? Who do you tell when you break the rules? Who do you run to?
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I think I am done running. I am as far as I go. I need to get my shit together.
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I think I am starting to fade from existence...
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I think...
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I think I don't mind...
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I don't mind...
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Dear Diary,
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Today I wanted to cry again...